Respondents offered a range of suggestions of the types of information they would like to see in a parenting pack for fathers. A number suggested specific websites, books or resources that they thought were particularly useful.

Some of the suggestions related to ensuring the packs contained father-specific material.

A friendly and encouraging letter from other fathers.

Information about blokes’ parenting groups if such a thing exists. Too often we leave it to women.

Who a father could contact to talk about ‘being a father’.

Stories about dads.

Something on how important dads are.

Something funny to cheer up new dads who might be going through the blues. Perhaps something from a well-known comedian…?

What to expect your wife will be like (i.e. moods)

Information on how to help my wife. What I can do to help – especially in the early days.

Information on how new children can affect relationships between husband and wife.

Information about effects $ stresses that can occur during first six months.
Sleep deprivation and financial pressure. Understanding marriage/relationship strains that may occur as a result of these pressures and how to cope! Mental support.

Financial information, e.g. Working for Families entitlements, costs to expect as the child grows, etc.

Important Numbers or Directory, Social Services, Youth Support, Work & Income, Entitlements/Benefits, Mens groups/young Fathers

Information regarding Child Support, when appropriate.

Tips on parenting: the importance of setting up sleeping routines for your child (so we can have our own life while they are sleeping); food /nutrition recommendations at different stages (so we don’t freak out when they stop growing); list of activities or organisations that provide activities for families; list of childcares/ nannies/ kindergartens around our area

Techniques for negotiating work, home, husband and fathers responsibilities.

Advice on how to negotiate with employers to balance work and quality bonding time with infant.

A small toy specific for new dads (as opposed to mums) to connect/play with their newborn that’s “a keeper”

DVD on parenting – dont really have the time or like reading, but would watch a dvd

Perhaps a dvd with a video to watch with helpful things

A soft rugby ball. I’m serious. The other options provided are all girly. If we want information, we’ll google. If we want parenting products, we’ll buy something. We want dads to do dad stuff with children. Giving new dads a soft ball will remind them that they need to play with their kid.

Relationship help/information for both parents.

I think it should be for new parents not directed at mother or father. What is in the bounty pack is not going to make you a better parent it is just a small gift and is nice for the mother as she went through the birth.

I tick the New Fathers information book and information on parenting services with reservations, having experienced and/or observed little of practical or personal value in the information supplied to my deaf-blind wife when we became parents.

Products could be fine, but be careful that the commercialization does not dictate what is, or is not, included.

This seems like a promotional opportunity for product suppliers to push their products, nappy brand, baby food etc. what is really needed is basic no nonsense practical advice.

If the Government were to encourage marriage as opposed to ‘anything else BUT marriage’ – then both mother and father would benefit from the current Bounty Packs. I think a pack for Fathers would largely be a waste of money and instead of providing practical help as the Mother’s one currently does, it would largely be used as a propaganda tool I’m afraid.

Some fathers said they were unable to take parental leave for financial reasons – either they could not afford to, or their work didn’t allow it. Some also reported taking other sorts of leave.

I took annual leave so I could get paid. I didn’t take paternal leave because it would have been unpaid and I couldn’t afford that.

I took annual leave. I couldn’t afford to take unpaid parental leave.

Parental leave was not a part of my contract.

I planned to take leave and certainly didn’t work as much but as a sole worker for a trust I had to be available. People didn’t tend to recognise that and I still got calls and eventually had to go back and work.

I used a few days of “compensatory time off” against overtime I had done

Took a few days as sick leave. Loss of income is an issue with too much time taken off.

Took annual leave.

I took a 2 week unpaid leave, then had to return to work

I took annual leave as the monetary limit provided by the government is not enough to cover costs.

I took about three days off work, & this was all we could afford

My employer made an appointment for me to see some one 1hr after my wife had our last child (C section) (without my knowledge until the morning of the day) and even then I had to take the morning off on unpaid leave to attend!!

My partner wasn’t working before we had our baby and I couldn’t work out how to take parental leave, otherwise I would have done so.

Took annual leave I’d saved up

Work position did not have the resources to cover for absence

Self-employed

Worked from home at the time, so was available to help with child care.

For one birth, my boss gave me the day off to be there. For the others I was self-employed.

Men need to be emotional and mentally strong enough to carry on being the provider whilst making sufficient time available to build relationship with their children – not just tacking children on to their “busy life”, and not being whimps by pandering to the child in taking leave that needlessly puts financial and work pressure on businesses. 21st century men who whimp out on being men in this regard just make poor parents.

Felt awkward to do so

I am a stay home dad

[W]hen my daughter was about 5 months old I changed jobs and I spent 5 weeks caring for her while my wife went out to work. I found this to be an immensely valuable experience and think it would be hugely beneficial for all dads to be able to do it. It made me so much more aware, appreciative and supportive of my wife as she cared for our children

Some of those who did not attend antenatal classes had already attended them with previous children, and didn’t see the need to go again.

Only with the first child … didn’t feel it necessary after that.

We attended with our first child and decided we wouldn’t learn any more from the second time.

Others felt confident that they wouldn’t need classes.

Felt confident enough to just get on with looking after our babies ourselves.

Mother was a midwife and thought she knew everything

Antenatal classes would be a waste of valuable time for a confident parent who doesn’t wish to feel patronised.

Some fathers thought that parenting classes were unnecessary.

I don’t think you need to be taught how to be a parent, it either comes naturally or it doesn’t and I feel I’m doing alright so far

I wasn’t impressed with antenatal classes and the information provided there turned out to be invalid and outdated.

My experience of all services for parents is that they are either aimed at the very ignorant and so are a waste of time, or have a political agenda to push (eg on breastfeeding) which I’m not interested in.

The antenatal classes we took and all other such courses provided by publicly funded means that we’ve experienced are overloaded in left-wing and politically correct propaganda.

When I attended classes they were 100% focused on the mother and women’s issues.

I don’t like the idea of institutionalising, and inevitably politicising, parenting methods (a foundation block of the Nanny State). I believe parenting support should happen in apolitical forums such as community, church, and cultural organisations. Unlike state-sponsored organisations, these have the charter of operating from within their own diverse value systems rather than a politically imposed one.

“Parenting classes” for men sounds a bit touchy feely and likely to be run by women.

In today’s society, it will be too full of PC bulls**t to be of any use in the real world parents like myself live in day by day.

I would attend but am not confident that the worldview or understanding of those teaching the class would fit or aid my parenting from my now Biblical worldview, so I suspect I might find little of value.

It depends on who was running them. There are classes out there but they are often run by church groups or have alternative political agendas. Public classes run by neutral organisations would get my support.

A dad specific class would be good. The basis should be on practical aspects and risks (including their own health) rather than too much warm fuzzy things)

I have talked with friends about a ‘mates’ parenting night. Guys could meet and share skills they learnt over a quiet beer.

Everything is oriented around the initial year – which is primarily the mother’s time – need ongoing info throughout their development – how to get boys interested in reading, when to build a trolley, etc

I have attended parenting courses for Maori and Maori men, those would be the only ones I would continue to go to. Feel more comfortable.

Preferably no or low cost and male centred.

Note that more fathers responded to this question than answered “yes” to Question 9 – therefore the results of this question do not relate just to teenage fathers, as intended.

Note that more fathers responded to this question than answered “yes” to Question 9 – therefore the results of this question do not relate just to teenage fathers, as intended.

Most respondents who selected “Other” fit into one of the other categories above, and used this section to expand on their answer. Custody arrangements, being busy, and most of all the demands of work were the most commonly cited reasons for fathers not seeing children as much as they would like.

I have shared care with my son’s mother. We do not get on very well. Time is as much as possible.

Sharing my time with my children when they are in my care 40% of the time and also having time to spend with my new partner

Mother has blocked equal care and the Family Court does not support equal care by default.

Employment today does not make allowances for family time

I have a looooong commute for work which impacts on the amount of time that I can spend with my kids during the standard work week.

I have working fulltime as well as studying for a tertiary degree and have had to use my weekends to do the bulk of my study (thus taking time from my family).

I get far more time than the average, but I’d like more. To take more would mean compromising on work and other commitments.

As a first time parent, I didn’t realize how important it was to spend time with the little bub until she was 2. But if I can do it over, I will spend more time with her.

I don’t actually know how to relate to my children – I don’t know how to play with them in their games (they’re both girls)

Mainly it is me not having enough time. But these days kids have so many things on (swimming, music, dance, sports, at friends, etc), they also are starting to lack free time to be with their fathers.

Many respondents who selected “Other” used this opportunity to discuss the attitudes in society they saw as restricting their parenting activities – something specifically addressed in Question 14. Their answers have therefore been considered alongside the responses to Question 14.

Some of the other activities that fathers thought were restricted included showing affection or even having physical contact with children, and in cases of separated parents, just contact with children in general. Some fathers also raised parental correction or discipline as a restricted activity.

Showing (genuine) friendliness or warmth to other children (can a man not be a nice person?)

Currently I am allowed to see [my son] about once per year, if his mother allows.

Fathers interacting playfully with their daughters especially as they turn into teenagers.

Any activities involving physical touch for one of my child’s friends

Providing discipline where required in order to avoid my children placing their lives in jeopardy. BUT [of course] parents are not allowed to discipline their children for ANY reason. Why is there so much youth crime? I wonder.

One thing I do find restrictive was discipline the child in public. People are watching! Personally, I believe children should be told on the spot when mistake are made. It shouldn’t matter its in public or your own house

The State currently interferes with the way I believe we should raise our children, specifically in regard to parental correction and this is GREATLY RESENTED!

As I’m not the primary caregiver, I have no say. Mothers have more rights even if they are bad mothers.

Assumption that mums parent and father should earn. Parenting is about both care and cash. Not mum cares and Dad pays.

“Man as provider” is still a dominate theme in advertisements and society in general. Lack of flexibility by employers for men to take time off to drop kids off to school or pick them up.

Dads are stereotyped as being less important in the parenting role, so if a marriage fails a Dad often has to battle with all his might just to stay involved.

My role as a home maker is not taken as a “real” job and I don’t receive the same amount of support in the community

NZ male stereotype culture restricts and pressures men to not get as involved as they should with their children.

Some organisations ‘exclude’ men – as an example look at the branding of certain health organisations as “woman, child and family”... a man can ‘feel’ unwelcome and depending on personalities this can result in less-than-ideal interactions – everyone loses.

The view that separated fathers don’t care for their kids and want nothing to do with them. It really isn’t that simple. Especially if you have partner conflict.

Men have to be seen as men and being soppy is not part of it. Men need to be staunch.

Flexible working hours not actually supported. Career goes into melt down when family comes first.

I think that society now demands fathers to be overly feminine rather than a strong (caring and loving) figure. Children need the input of male and female behaviours not just a socially driven cotton wool covered world view.

We live in a feminist society… men are generally frowned upon and suspected of improper relationship[s] with young children

I like to do crazy things with my kids – big rope swings, sliding down hills on cardboard boxes etc. Sometimes there’s a view that men are too violent to play with their kids – and I think this impacts father’s decisions on what to do.

Society has gone too far in looking upon fathers as “potential” paedophiles and this needs to change so that fathers can feel confident that they can show and give physical affection to their children.

When child is injured physically, the suspicion of child abuse falls on the father due to stereotyping. Males changing nappies on daughters in public gets the stares; not many older role models for fathering that are cross cultural and reproduceable.

The view that every “man” is a potential hazard to children.

In the traditional Chinese way of raising children, women are involved more than men. But it is changing in our generation. Living in New Zealand which is western society, I personally don’t feel anything unhappy for myself.

I can’t think of anything that restricts how I would behave normally (i.e. I don’t yell at my son, etc and therefore do not feel restricted by society).

I choose not to let society’s perceptions prevent me from parenting my children in ways I believe are right.

I don’t care too much what other people think. Not enough to restrict my behaviour if I think that behaviour is right.

I don’t let society dictate what I know is important to my family. I try to operate on biblical principles. Family and my children are a high priority.

I don’t think there are any. I’m not going stop doing the best for my children and loving them in the best way I can for ANY reason.

I’ve never been restricted

None – it’s up to men to break the cycle and stereotypes that we are all violent offenders

Fathers who selected “other” didn’t necessarily say they wouldn’t spend more time with their children – but also nominated things like housework, voluntary work, spending time with wives or partners (or the family as a whole), or simply spending some time on themselves.

I think it is about balance. While I would spend more time with the children, I would also find time for me as a healthy parent (emotionally and physically) is going to be of more benefit to the children.

Spend more time AS A FAMILY and do activities that involved everyone but also take time for myself to ensure that I have the energy to devote to my family.

Building mentoring relationships with my girls’ friends (both male and female) and their families.

Do more round the house to help family

Go fishing (with and without my kids), take my wife out more, go camping (with my wife and kids – we love it), go to all of their sports games, play sport my self, help my wife do things like shopping and being on the kids school boards, and managing the kids sports teams or even coaching the kids sports teams – currently my wife managers our kids sports teams and is on both the kids school boards

Helping around the house and DIY projects.

I would try to get a break for some personal ‘downtime’. I need sometime for myself as I haven’t been able to get a break of any kind from work, study, looking after my daughter and caring for a sick wife.

Increase commitment to church diaconate work and improve our property.

More time towards voluntary work; church, support groups, children’s education.

Set up a fathers group to support others.

Spend more time with my wife.

Q16: Is there anything else you would like to tell us about your experiences as a father in New Zealand?

Several fathers talked about the problems or struggles they faced as fathers, or that they saw fathers facing as a group.

A father in NZ appears to expected to be distanced from a child as he is the hard man and this damages relationships.

A fulltime working father is punished for working fulltime and not spending more time with the kids, but there are no agencies or support services available to assist the father. Everything is focussed on the needs of the mother.

A lot of men are expected to work, minimising the amount of time for family. In family split ups, a father choosing to stay at home for his children faces more societal disapproval than if the mother chooses to stay at home.

After separating 5 years ago I am still having to deal with the family court with simple issues about schooling and amount of time spent with my kids… 50/50 default shared care when a family separate… to do this when both parents are able to care for the kids is going to make it easy on ALL involved

As a father I felt unwelcome at various activities such as PTA, netball, and other female dominated activities. While some women were welcoming, others were distinctly hostile.

Weak or non-existent male role models, in my opinion, [are] the reason for most of our youth behavioural problems. Children these days have less respect for authority and unable to accept consequences for their actions. Isn’t that what a Dad is [there] to teach?

As a father who helped raise 5 children I firmly believe that there can sometimes be a need for firm discipline in order to correct behaviour and I believe that the current law relating to this is not fair or honest as it would have turned me into a criminal even if the police chose not to prosecute. Thus for the sake of allowing parents to exercise their authority and raise their children with respect for the law this needs to change.

Being a dad is the best thing that has happened to me but it is hard work. Why is that not honoured in NZ? Why is it so hard with money and time. Dads are as important as Mums, it is a different role though and we need to honour it more.

Everyone everywhere needs to start using the word ””Parents”” and not just “Mums”. Every parent mag, every bit of info for babies is aimed at just mums, dads are left out. I received an email from a parenting site the other day on Bonding with Baby. There was not one word about dads and how it is just as important.

Fathering in NZ is an extremely isolating experience. Such focus is put on the mothers needs that the blokes are often forgotten.

Many fathers I see have high demands placed on them and VERY little skills to address them.

The most depressing experience I have endured as a father in NZ was without a doubt the appalling, ridiculous so-called referendum about the so-called anti-smacking bill. How we can have a situation in which it is illegal to smack your dog, your wife, or any adult, but quite legal to beat a child, is completely beyond me.

Fathers need to be more respected within the legal system. Although it is changing, the legal system still tends to place custody of the child/ren in the mothers hands. If there are issues (such as substance abuse) in a fathers life, he is treated more harshly than if it was the mother.

Main thing I think is to encourage fathers, not to come down on them. All Dads want to be a good Dad, or want to do better, but some just don’t know how or are in situations or had experiences that hinder them. NZ needs to celebrate the great role Dads can play – I know that will rub some people up the wrong way but I believe its the reality. We need to celebrate it.

Fathering is not an inbuilt skill but a learned system. If your own father does not give a good example of fathering you may not be aware of your inability to lead you family. Fathering is a selfless lifestyle most men are unaware they have chosen by bearing children. This choice only becomes apparent over time as you father. We all learn, it’s just the time frame that takes… We need to shorten this so men can father well from the start

I would like to see more dads take an active role in their children’s lives. I believe have a stable father figure is crucial to the healthy development of children. I am in favor of anything that can help promote that.

I would like to see more literature supporting new and existing dads that is written from a kiwi perspective. I would also like to see events around dads and children locally – this gives time for dad with the kids but also gives mum a break!

If I had my time over again I would like to spend more time with my children

Being part of a church community which encourages me to live up to my responsibilities as a father is really important to me. Parents all need guidance, encouragement and challenge!

As someone who has lived in the UK I can say that NZ is a wonderful environment for kids. There are great facilities such as playgrounds, parks, and for sports – and the outdoors. Children are allowed to learn in a safe, but not risk-free environment and are not wrapped in cotton wool. Wonderful.

Been great so far – hoping it remains that way!!

Being a father is a very satisfying and rewarding experience. It is also a huge responsibility which I feel that many parents do not take seriously enough. Parents need to treat their children with respect, but need to assert healthy authority and in turn command respect from the children by being a good example to them.”

Best ‘job’ in the world!

Had a great Father and I tried to copy him. My children now grown up are now my best friends

I love being a father! It is the best thing that ever happened to me. It is stressful knowing you have to provide for them and raise them, but wow, what a great experience and joy! And NZ is a great place to raise a family and be a father. If we could have the same income as now by being at home full-time – I would jump for that at a drop of a hat!

I love looking after my children and would like to see more dads (and mums) spending time with then children instead of putting them in daycare. For example, at Playcentre or at home.

It’s pretty good, all round, compared to other countries. One of my greatest fatherhood joys is taking my kids tramping; The unrivalled back country hut system we have makes this possible.

The experiences I was lucky to have with my sons have been incredibly rewarding for me and my boys. In a perfect world all children would have both parents playing an equal and active role.