The Time with Grandparents poll was conducted during October and November 2008.
We asked how grandparents kept in touch with grandchildren, how much time they spent together, and how they managed this time so that they also had time free for their own interests, activities and friendships.
There were two versions of this poll, one intended for grandparents, and one intended for parents. This report relates to the parents’ version – the report on the grandparents’ version can be found here.
The poll confirmed that there are significant differences and varieties in grandparent/grandchild relationships due to factors such as grandparents’ genders, ages and ethnicities, cultural influences, health, energy levels, where families members live (close by, or far away), separation and re-partnering of parents as well as grandparents, paid work commitments, and relationships within families.
A total of 356 Couch members completed this poll. Of the respondents, 14% were male and 86% female. The ages of the respondents ranged from 25 years to 82 years, with an average of 41. Fifteen (4%) respondents identified as Māori, 253 (71%) as New Zealand European, 29 (8%) respondents identified with multiple ethnicities, one as Samoan, one as Chinese, one as Indian, two as Niuean and 54 (15%) as “other”. Seventeen percent of the respondents were living in a rural area and eighty-three percent in an urban area. On average there were four people living within each household, ranging from one occupant to eight occupants per house.
This poll was only for parents of children with at least one living grandparent.
Most repondents (58%) reported that their children had 4 or more living grandparents.
57% of respondents had a child aged 5 years or younger.
78% of respondents had a child older than 6.
Just 11% of respondents reported that their children saw their grandparents every day.
The most common reason (64%) for seeing one set of grandparents more was that they lived nearby.
Most (51%) respondents did not plan how much time their children’s grandparents spent with the children.
9% of respondents reported that their children have no contact with one set of grandparents.
The main reason why children would see a set or grandparents less often was that they did not live nearby (63%).
The most popular activities were playing games and/or sport, spending time with extended family, having spontaneous conversations and cooking meals for each other.
39% of respondents reported that grandparents provided no care for their children.
57% of respondents had formally or informally discussed the amount of care grandparents would provide to grandchildren.
Most respondents (60%) provided no compensation to grandparents.
Q14: If you answered yes to the previous question, what form does the compensation take?
Several types of compensation were identified by Couch parents, one of which was monetary compensation, provided by either the parents of the grandchildren themselves or through an agency.
“Carer Support payment.”
“Carer support from Ministry of Health.”
“Eldest son is on the autism spectrum and ADHD. The grandparents receive respite care payments for giving us a break.”
“I pay her for doing it.”
The provision of meals or groceries as compensation for looking after grandchildren were also identified as common forms of compensation.
“Usually groceries for their house.”
Parents described assisting grandparents with property maintenance, and additional chores in and around their house when needed, including the exchange of skills (for example, helping with technology).
“Helping with things such as mowing lawns, repairing house, but we would do that anyway.”
“Only “exchange of skills” that’s what our family does, we all help each other when needed – it’s not formally arranged, we just help when we can, or when we are asked.”
Another form of compensation frequently mentioned was assistance with transport costs.
“Sometimes petrol money.”
“Petrol vouchers.”
Some Couch members suggested that the quality time grandparents get to spend with their grandchildren is of benefit to both grandparents and grandchildren, though is not thought of as compensation as such.
“The joy of spending time with their grandchildren and seeing them grow and knowing they are a big part of their lives. We have dinners together, but it is not seen as compensation.”
“They find it a joy to watch the children grow and see how their own children are successful (most of the time) at parenting themselves. They actually moved to be closer to all grandchildren and make a good effort to spend time with them all.”
Some Couch members described offering occasional gifts to acknowledge the contribution made by grandparents.
“Gifts – entertainment – dinner out – things like that.”
“Bottle of wine or box of chocolates.”
“Nothing specific, although I try to give them lollies or other treats that I know they like as a surprise every now and then.”
“Having time out or a break from the children”, and “doing paid work” were the most popular responses.
Distance (53%) was identified as the most common limiting factor.
More than half of respondents (52%) thought that grandparents spent too little time with their children.
Most respondents (53%) reported that their children’s grandparents had made no changes.
Q19: If any of the grandparent(s) have made changes in order to spend more time with their grandchildren, how do you think these changes have affected the grandparent(s)?
Parents reported that in some cases the changes that grandparents have made in order to spend more time with their grandchildren have affected them negatively. For example, by increasing stress levels for some of the grandparents, depleting energy levels, and causing financial hardship.
“It has created greater stress in their marriage and for them personally. My Mum wants to spend more time with the kids but my Dad is trying to hand over a business.”
“They are on a tighter budget because of giving up paid work to care for and spend more time with my daughter but that was their choice to make. It makes them happy to have been able to do this.”
“It has made my mother tired, but she feels that it is worthwhile”
“Made it more stressful as they must fit their work into a tighter time frame to spend time with us, and at the same time make more in order to be able to travel as one [grandparent] can not easily drive the distance, so tends to need to fly.”
“They do not have the energy levels for both children at the same time.”
“Financially, and all the flying is tiring for them.”
Couch members also revealed that some of the changes have affected the grandparents’ social lives, with some grandparents becoming more socially isolated.
“[They have] less social contact with adults.”
A number of the respondents indicated that the changes the grandparents have made to spend more time with their grandchildren have affected them positively overall, as they seem happier and more content with their lives since the changes were made.
“The relationship between grandchild & grandparent improved.”
“She has taken the grandchildren with her to leisure activities & quite enjoys the kudos it gives her. If we have made arrangements prior to the leisure activities she will forgo them, but if it is something she can’t take grandchildren to we make other arrangements – we are pleased she can help, but her life has to have first priority.”
“Positively – moved to NZ from the UK. They don’t spend vast amounts of time, but always support sport and school activities”
“I think that their grandmother really values being an important part in the children’s lives. We didn’t ask her to reduce her work hours, it was something she did spontaneously and she seems to love being with the kids.”
19% of respondents had experienced such changes in some form.
Question 21: If you answered “yes” to the previous question, please describe the changes and how they have affected you.
The changes that have occurred over the past five years have affected grandchildren’s relationships with their grandparents in two main ways: they either got to spend more, or in some cases less, time with their grandparents. Life changes described included separation between parents, family conflict, and remarriage.
“It was a positive effect. Separation meant that the kids needed after school care that they hadn’t previously and grandparents (on both sides) stepped into the role 2 days a week.”
“Due to family conflict on my partner’s side, we’ve lost access to one grandparent as they’ve cut off all contact.”
“Separation and divorce which means my parents are my support network as my son’s father is living overseas. Without them I would have been lost, lived first 6 months there after separation and helped me settle again and catch my breath before had to think about what the next step was. Fantastic support and I don’t know how anyone can get through a time like that without having family close.”
Health issues – for both parents and grandparents – have also affected relationships between some grandparents and their grandchildren.
“I became severely depressed and my parents have helped me and the children deal with the separation and helped me to get the help I needed to deal with the depression.”
“Grandparent’s ill health [is] limiting ability to drive and travel.”
Some Couch members – or grandparents – had relocated (sometimes overseas) within the last five years, which had been a prominent contributing factor to changes in the grandparent-grandchild relationship.
“We moved overseas 18 months ago.”
“Mother moved back to NZ and then moved in with us.”
Other lifestyle changes that have affected the amount of time that the grandparents can spend with their grandchildren include the grandchildren starting school and death in the family.
“Both our children have started school so instead of spending a whole day every week with grandma, they now get only a few hours after school on one day each week.”
“My husband died when our son was 3 weeks old. I needed to move away from the area (as emotionally it was painful to stay), hence I am now further away and it’s quite a drive to see them. Also, husband’s mother had no interest in our son when he was born, and now that husband is dead, contact with her is nil.”
54% of respondents thought that their children’s grandparents had the right balance between their own time and time with the children.
Q23: Is there anything that you would like to improve or change about the grandparent(s)’ current arrangements for spending time with your children?
A number of suggestions were made by the Couch members to improve/or change the current arrangements that their children have for spending time with their grandparents. The most common change that the members would like to make is for the grandparents to have more contact and time with their grandchildren. Numerous reasons were offered as reasons why time together is limited, including troubled family relationships, health reasons, geographical distance between grandparents and grandchildren, and the amount of time the grandparents spend in paid employment.
“They live too far away. Travel is expensive and time hard to come by.”
“It would be nice if they were more involved. I’m not quite sure what that looks like but I see my friends able to pop out to a doctor’s appointment, for example, and their parents take the grandchildren for a couple of hours. I would like to have this sort of thing available.”
“I think that my parents are “over” kids and have decided that they are “old” before their time, and I am sad that my children have missed out on the ‘specialness’ of the relationship between a grandparent and a child.”
“I would like a regular arranged few hours once a fortnight with the grandparents who live nearby, so my husband and I could have some time together alone (movies, or dinner, or just time out, say every second Wednesday), but the grandparents nearby are not approachable in this regard.”
“Yes, I would like us to live in the same town as at least one grandparent, so that the children would be able to see them more often.”
“Would prefer both sets of grandparents to be far more involved/supportive.“
“Would love them to work less hours – as currently working 6 days a week.”
“Unfortunately my kids go to bed about the time Nana arrives after work – it would be nice if Nana could regularly leave work early (like once fortnightly), or [have] my kids [go to] sleep a little later.”
“If my parents’ health improves I would like to see them more often with the boys.”
“My dear, sweet mum is undergoing chemotherapy at the moment: this cancer diagnosis has wreaked havoc on the amount of time/energy she can invest in an otherwise close relationship with my daughter.”
Other Couch members indicated that they have no need to make any changes or improvements as their current arrangements are working well.
“Our children are very lucky to have their grandparents live across the road. They do go away a lot on holidays and our children are very accepting of that also.”
“I’m happy with the amount of time the kids have with grandparents, and more importantly, so are they!”
Q24: Grandparents play many different roles in their grandchildren’s lives. How do you think that your children’s grandparent(s)’ cultural beliefs influence their grandparenting role?
Couch members identified numerous ways in which their children’s grandparents’ cultural beliefs influence their grandparenting roles. The majority of influences mentioned by Couch members were positive in nature, although some people described negative effects – such as “old school values” that the parents believe are inappropriate.
“They lived in the age of big families, and the mother staying at home raising the children . Now we live in the age of one or two children and the mother going out to work. They don’t understand how we can still have the interest of work. Or indeed we only want one child. The constant pressure to have more children is sometimes overwhelming and upsetting.”
“I think my mother comes from a generation and culture where children were in the background, ‘seen and not heard’, with little understanding of the importance of interacting with young kids and building a relationship with them.”
“Unfortunately I see them all as negatively influencing her, culturally speaking.”
The positive influences included transferring cultural values from one generation to the next; helping grandchildren to learn a different language; religious influences; instilling the importance of a decent education; and transferring important morals and values between generations.
“They teach our children lots about life and about God.”
“They offer a set of values which they pass on down the generations. They also come from a different time, and pass along knowledge which would otherwise be in danger of being lost.”
“The Dutch grandparents are most anxious that the children learn to speak Dutch, so Dutch language books and CDs are sent as gifts.”
“The kids are always being told of their Maori heritage, which is exactly the way we want it.”
“Grandparents have the life experience and the perspective often to see the big picture and the appreciation of cultural and spiritual issues, while parents are often still bogged down with the more practical issues of paying off the mortgage, finding money for the school fees, ferrying the children from home to school, to music lessons, then onto soccer practice and cannot take the time to re-evaluate the bits of life which really matter.”
“Strong religious belief in family helps keep children on the straight and narrow.”
“They speak a second language to them sometimes. They can help cook meals based around our culture which can only enrich their lives.”
“Very involved in education and parenting. They believe in education and research, so are quite modern in their approaches.”
“They complement our own and give them a sense of the family extension and history.”
“They provide history of our family, generational differences and cultural differences to their lives. They have a positive influence on my children.”_
Some Couch members indicated that they did not think that the grandparents’ cultural beliefs have had any significant influences in their grandparenting roles.
“Not really anything of note, except the obvious ones of a generation gap; not so much cultural.”
Q25: What sort of advice, information or support do you think that grandparents need? (For example, from the children’s parents, your partner, your employer, your community, from government.)
One of the main themes parents identified regarding advice and information needed by grandparents was the need to have good technology skills (e.g. the ability to use the computer and to be able to text on mobile phones so that they can keep up with their grandchildren).
“Grandparents could benefit from technology familiarity classes. How to text/pxt, email.”bq.
“Being able to email and text are important skills for the modern grandparent, as letter writing is gone.”
Many parents also commented that it was important to keep the lines of communication open between themselves and the grandparents in terms of expectations and boundaries around their grandchildren.
“I think [grandparents] just need to be willing to work in with the family, respect that they are the grandparents, not the parents, and so the decisions lie with the parents.”
“I also think that grandparents should not be pressured or expected to help. Apart from certain situations the ‘balance’ should be the grandparents’ decision. (Unless it is too much invasion on the family)”.
Parents also suggested that there should be free seminars or brochures dealing with things that have changed since the grandparents raised their children, so that grandparents are aware of modern practices. For example, the legal requirement for child restraints in cars, the convenience of disposable nappies, and the introduction of solid foods to babies.
“Information about the current “best practices” for feeding children, especially babies under 12 months – [some grandparents] still believe that Farex should be given at 6 weeks.”
As with the responses provided by grandparents themselves, responses to this question revealed that time pressures were a key issue within many families.
Q26: How and where do you think this advice, information or support should be made available to grandparents who would like to receive it?
Parents’ responses to this question were similar to those of the grandparents who responded to the corresponding poll, indicating that there is a need for grandparents to have information available to assist them when they spend time with their grandchildren. Parents’ recommendations for potential sources of information included existing websites (e.g. Families Commission and Grandparents Raising Grandchildren Trust), marae, Plunket, doctors’ surgeries, community centres, libraries, churches, Citizens Advice Bureaux, SeniorNet, Age Concern, kindergartens, Playcentres and other early childhood services (e.g. Porse, Linmark), and magazines (e.g. Littlies).
“It would need to be free to be the most use and to get the most readers. Having pamphlets, brochures, whatever available for parents and grandparents to pick up at appropriate places (supermarkets, libraries, email, and a lot more I can’t think of right now …)”
“Any public forum and through Playcentres. At our Playcentre we have a number of grandparents who regularly attend, and then quite a few more who often drop in or support us in some way.”
In New Zealand, there is tremendous diversity in grandparents’ ages, with some becoming grandparents in their thirties or forties. Thus, as well as providing information and support through agencies and sources targeted at older people (e.g. Age Concern or SeniorNet), avenues for providing information to younger grandparents must continue to be identified.
“[It] needs to not just be senior citizens that receive it. My children have 4 grandparents and 4 great-grandparents. Only the great-grandparents are old enough to be senior citizens at the moment.”
Q27: Thank you for your contribution. If there’s anything else you’d like to like to tell us about grandparents in New Zealand today please fill in the box below.
A number of the Couch members offered additional comments, such as describing what a joy it is for their children to have grandparents in their lives. There were several suggestions about the need for an “adopt a grandparent” service, for those families who don’t have any grandparents living nearby. Some Couch members also emphasized the importance of recognizing that grandparents who are looking after grandchildren should be given the same amount of financial assistance given to foster parents. There were also requests for employers to extend leave provisions to encompass grandparents (e.g. sick leave and parental leave). The following quotes illustrate some of the additional comments offered.
“Fantastic idea to provide opportunities for grandparents to be involved in schools, sports, culture groups, supporting sole parents and mentoring teens who are struggling. Their contributions need to be recognised and they may need help with transport, information, professional support etc. Don’t forget those in rest homes please. It should be a two way street with the kids and parents expressing appreciation and offering help.”
“The role of grandparents is undervalued and not encouraged enough. I don’t think grandparents should be a slave to their families. However, the relationship between grandparents and their grandchildren can add so much depth to all their lives if they have time together.”
“The influence of grandparents is of incredible value and need.”
“I think grandparents should have the same entitlements and rights as other caregivers in foster situations and babysitting situations. They should have more prominence in custody disputes and access to legal aid etc to pursue this. They shouldn’t be seen as dispensable and they should be shown a lot more consideration and respect by support agencies. They are often in a much better position to care for children than the parents, so they should be supported in doing so. If a child has a baby, the grandparent(s) should also be entitled to some parental leave so that they can support both for a while. They should also have the [same] access to home leave or dependent leave (sick leave) for grandchildren that they do for their own children.”
“They [grandparents] have it pretty tough these days – we expect more financial support from them for longer, and they may have their aging parents dependent on them as well.”
“One thing I would like – I would like to “adopt” an older person in our area as a token grandparent – someone we could see maybe every 2 months, remember their birthday, Mothers’ or Fathers’ Day, take them out etc. It would be nice if there is someway this could happen. Three of my son’s grandparents are deceased and one is already 74 years old as we had children late in life, and she lives far away, so I feel sad that my son will miss out on the grandparent experience. A token grandparent would be great to take on outings – I am not looking for someone to baby-sit young children. But I’m not sure how to go about finding one.”
“Grandparents really add value to their grandkids’ lives. One of the biggest losses in separation or divorce is the loss of contact that children previously had. Tips and guidance for grandparents and parents in separated circumstances on how to maintain relationships with both sides’ grandparents would be really useful. Just because you are split does not mean that the ex’s parents should be excluded – in my own case their input and help has been invaluable.”
“I’d like to see more grandparenting agencies – adopt a grandchild type thing. Make up for a lack of extended family especially if you move away from extended family for work reasons. They are so essential. But must be trustworthy.”
It is evident that there is great diversity in grandparents’ experiences and that within many New Zealand families grandparents play an important role in not only supporting grandchildren, but supporting adult children and other family members as well.
The Families Commission will share the ideas and suggestions put forward by Couch members with organisations working with older people as well as other family-focused agencies.
